you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
