Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
