I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
