So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize