I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
