The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
