I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
