my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
