the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
