I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
