Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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