Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
