I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
