I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
