you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
