Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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