Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
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I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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