Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
