he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize