I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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