how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
