I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
