good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
