ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
