I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
