I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
