So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
