be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize