Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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