# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
