I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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