I accidentally had phone sex last night
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize