I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
