We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Found the puke drawer
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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