I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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