I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
