3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
