Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
