I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I love you. Go after that dick
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
