Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
