sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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