I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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