he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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