I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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