well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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