hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
