If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize