why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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