nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize