i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
