I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
