If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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