apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
