Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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