The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Holy shit dude........stairs
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
