i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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