i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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