I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
