My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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